Maybe we’re doing this whole illegal immigration thing backwards. My personal beefs with the current system and the amnesty bill getting ramrodded through Congress right now are: A) if we can’t keep Mexicans from crossing our border, then we can’t keep anyone else out either, such as mass murdering religious fanatics who want to destroy everything I hold dear, and B) that the illegals are living in really crappy conditions and doing hideous amounts of horrible types of work for slave wages.

But, hey, if living like that is the way they want to go, I can work with that.

I suggest a new policy: fully open borders, north and south. Anyone who comes in other than through current legal immigration methods becomes a “mustang.” Any US citizen is allowed to claim any illegal as their property, if they can catch them.

Guys who want to run sweatshops fulla Mexicans sewing sneakers for 10 cents a day? He claims all those workers as equipment, pays capital gains and property taxes or whatever, and he can do whatever he wants.

I guess you have to throw them a few civil rights bones, so: Illegals Minimum Wage—a slave must receive compensation at least as much as a prisoner performing a similar job in a prison in that state, but no more than, let’s say, one-twentieth legal minimum wage. Survival—a slave cannot be killed by his owner, unless he gets too uppity, or beaten to the point of permanent disfigurement or maiming. Family unity—any slave trading or sales that may take place must involve the entire immediate family group. Days off—Christmas, Cinco de Mayo, and one other day recognized by the country of origin.

If it’s really so important for foreigners to be in this country that the law has to be put aside for them, then they should have no problem living under this system. If they’re in such a big rush to be second-class citizens living in the shadows eking out a living and fearing for their lives in unbearable working conditions, let’s just formalize the system and be done with it.

All we have to do is rescind the thirteenth amendment to the Constitution. It’s not like our government is paying all that much attention to the laws these days anyway, so fuck it.