WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My brothers came up with my first name. I’m lucky I’m not named Snoopy. My middle name may or may not come from my uncle. I was very young at the time, so I don’t recall all the details.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Probably the last time they showed the “Jurassic Bark” episode of Futurama on Adult Swim. I hate that episode, and I can’t not watch it. It’s the one with Fry’s petrified dog. If you’ve seen it, you know which episode I’m talking about. If you haven’t, go find it.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
It’ll do. I can’t use it if someone else is supposed to read it.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Bologna. Or ham. Or turkey. Or that ham-like stuff with cheese embedded in it that tastes kinda like plastic. Do people actually rank their lunch meats?
DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
None that I know of. By which I mean there is absolutely no chance on God’s green Earth.
IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I don’t know. I am kind of a dick, but I think I hide it well.
DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
No, never. Who, me? eye roll
DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
I think so. I remember having tonsillitis a few times, but I just gargled salt water for a week and it went away.
WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Once.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Honeycomb. My favorite cereal I can eat without major medical ramifications: Quaker Low Sugar Apples and Cinnamon Oatmeal.
DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Nope. They’re tied so loosely I can slip them on and off. Can’t run very well, but I rarely need to.
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Yes. Surprisingly so. Not necessarily in a “this muscle can lift that weight” sense, but if I want to move something, it’ll move.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Being both pedestrian and ambivalent, I’ll say strawberry or chocolate. But I’ll give the edge to strawberry, because there’s a specific aspect of chocolate, where it’s cold enough not to have melted on the spoon and I can kind of breathe in chocolatey vapors, which, if the chocolate ice cream can’t deliver that, it gets downgraded.
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
That they’re either trying to bother me, or in my way.
RED OR PINK?
Red. On a 1966 Ford Mustang.
WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My chronic, degenerative, incurable, potentially fatal illness.
WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Dad.
WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Blue jeans, and brown shoes nearby.
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A pack of Ritz cheesy crackers.
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Half a dozen computer cooling fans. Before that, the Puppini Sisters CD. Later, My Chemical Romance. I’m eclectic.
IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
This question is either very deep or very stupid. Is “Flesh” still a color? How about “Burnt umber”? I’m that color between yellow-green and green-yellow.
FAVORITE SMELLS?
Honeysuckle. If they made a food that tastes like honeysuckle smells, I would eat it every day. Also, flame-grilled beef.
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Some guy who was looking for someone else.
FAVORITE SPORTS?
Those are those things people do outside with their balls, right? Curling.
HAIR COLOR?
Brown, with bits of distinguished gray coming in at the sides like Mr. Fantastic.
EYE COLOR?
Blue.
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
When I’m not wearing glasses or asleep, yes.
FAVORITE FOOD?
A very specific piece of prime rib. That sounds like I’ve been hoarding one since childhood, but no. In the average prime rib you get at a restaurant, there’s one bite, usually fat, that is heaven in meat form. The rest of it’s okay too, but I go in looking for that one bite. Dad used to cook one that tasted like that all the way through.
SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
I like things to work out at the end, so happy endings. Besides, ever since I saw Vincent Price’s The Fly and The Haunting of Hill House (I think that’s the right one) as a kid, the only two movies that have ever been able to scare me are The Blair Witch Project and Serenity.
LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Sort of grayish tan.
SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter. I love snow and coats.
HUGS OR KISSES?
Kisses mean something.
FAVORITE DESSERT?
Boston cream pie, chilled but not frozen, not too dry, with a thick middle layer of pudding or whatever that stuff is, and chocolate glaze, not frosting.
MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
No idea.
LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Me.
WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
I’m not. I’m filling out this survey. Last book I read was Wicked.
WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Some space shuttles, a couple planets, and motivational/commemorative slogans.
WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT?
Pirate Master. I’m a reality TV slut.
FAVORITE SOUND?
Waves gently slapping against the ship hull as the wind blows against the sails. That, or a really cool explosion. Or Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy.”
ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles. I have an elementary school-induced aversion to “Start Me Up.”
WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
San Francisco, Collyfornia. Like, 2000 miles.
DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I used to be able to identify any episode of M*A*S*H within five seconds of seeing any part of it. It’s why their cutting it up for syndication drove me so nuts. I knew what jokes were missing. Now, I guess mental arithmetic.
WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
In a hospital, duh.
WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
I wouldn’t dream of imposing a bunch of questions on people with any expectation of return.