INT. HOME OFFICE

A man sits at his desk with a pile of bills and an adding machine, lit by a desktop lamp. He is clearly frustrated. Suddenly, he throws down his pen and pushes away from the desk.

MAN
Damn it all!

The man's WIFE enters and hands him a small white bottle.

MAN
What's this?

WIFE
Damitol!

ANNOUNCER (v.o.)
Yes, Damitol, the latest in over-the-counter stress remedies.

CUT TO:

A diagram of a human head, with flashing red arrows pointing to the temples and back of the neck.

ANNOUNCER (v.o.)
When you become angry or outraged, you feel it here, and here. With only one use, Damitol begins to target these stress points, bringing you immediate relief.

Blue animated dots enter the picture from three directions, moving toward the arrows. As they pass over the arrows, the arrows vanish. The diagram head smiles. CUT TO:

INT. WHITE ROOM

The announcer stands in front of a featureless white backdrop. He holds up a bottle of the product.

ANNOUNCER
Damitol is the first O.T.C. with the same active ingredient as in prescription brand Fuckitol, now in non-prescription strength. In blind tests, two out of three people preferred Damitol over leading brands Helwithit and 4-Godsake.

CUT TO:

INT. HOME OFFICE

The man from the first shot is smiling as he taps the keys of his adding machine. His wife stands behind him, her hands on his shoulders.

WIFE
Feeling better?

MAN
We're going to lose the house, and I'll probably wind up in prison, but I feel really good about it. Thanks, honey!

WIFE
Thank _you_, Damitol!

ANNOUNCER (v.o.)
Remember, when life crushes you under its bony heel, just say Damitol!
(quickly, sotto voce)
Warning: Damitol may cause anxiety, delusions of grandeur, explosive diarrhea, excommunication, or scurvy. Consult with clergy or other relevant dogma before use. Damitol may be habit forming.