It’s morning on the Enterprise, and Nameless Female Ensign is in the galley enjoying a bowl of Vulcan Veggie Breakfast Broth and catching up on some light reading, Termites of Loracis Prime. I’ll bet she’s tons of fun at parties. Nameless Male Ensign (no relation) walks over to her table and sits down, bringing possibly eggs and sausage with him. He derides her culinary choice. “I guess it just takes a more discriminating palette to appreciate Vulcan cuisine,” she retorts. Ooh, what a burn. I’m going to rename her, Vulcan Groupie Girl. I got a hunch. Vulcan Groupie Girl starts telling Nameless Male Ensign all about termites in an obvious ploy to drive him away, when he gets distracted by a shiny object. They both head over to a porthole, and discover a blue-green planet has snuck up on the ship. Vulcan Groupie Girl asks the room at large, “Anyone hear about this?” Ensign Bit Part replies, “Not a word.” They spend a few moments pondering the possibilities of a first contact situation while their food gets cold.
Up on the bridge, everyone waits anxiously while T’Pol scans the planet through her ViewMaster™. It’s a lot like Earth, except with no pesky indigenous population to muck it up. Archer has Reed scan for any sign that someone else has laid claim to the planet. “None in range, sir. It looks like no one’s planted a flag just yet.” That’s all Archer needed to hear. “Prep a shuttle pod, Mr. Tucker.” I was counting the seconds until T’Pol threw cold water on the idea. Two seconds. “Captain, there are a number of protocols you may want to consider.” But I don’t wanna consider protocols! I wanna go to the planet naaaooowww! All the probing and analyzing she recommends will take a week. Trip, whom I am increasingly convinced suffers from ADD, whines, “You expect us to sit up here for a week while probes have all the fun?” No, Mr. Tucker, I expect you to die. Archer belittles T’Pol’s caution, saying, “We didn’t come out here to tiptoe around.” He then heaps on an extra helping of humiliation by asking/ordering her to organize the survey team. Is she even in the chain of command? She accepts the command with pouty-lipped stoicism, but I can sense a tiny fuse burning deep down inside her. Someday, Archer’s head is going to wind up on the pointy end of one of those pon farr fighting spears.
T’Pol is overseeing the loading of a shuttle by staring at a data pad and standing in flattering light. Vulcan Groupie Girl, who is to be part of the survey team, tells T’Pol about her breakfast. Even if T’Pol could care about things, she couldn’t care less. By way of conversation, Vulcan Groupie Girl thanks T’Pol for choosing her to go on the mission. “You were selected because your specialty is entomology,” T’Pol explains, shattering Vulcan Groupie Girl’s fragile ego, which derives entirely from the approval of others. Or maybe I’m reading too much into it. Entomology is the study of bugs, by the way. As Vulcan Groupie Girl loads her bug-studying equipment into the shuttle, Trip consoles her. “You’d have better luck making friends with a housefly.”
The shuttle launches, Mayweather at the wheel, Archer and Trip both standing, leaning on the back of the pilot’s seat. What, weren’t there enough chairs on board? They land in beautiful southern Califor- that is, an Earthlike yet totally alien world. The shuttle door opens, and the first Earthling to set foot on the “Strange New World” is…Porthos, the wonder dog. Who, in his first act as a planetary explorer, whizzes on a tree. He has been stuck on the ship for three weeks, after all. T’Pol starts scanning the environment with her proto-tricorder, as she was brought to the planet to do, until Archer tells her to “Put that thing away,” and simply enjoy being there for a minute. I don’t think Archer gets the whole emotionless Vulcan thing. Some small talk is exchanged, and Trip reveals that his hand scanner dealie is also a digital camera when he takes a snapshot of the rest of the team with it. T’Pol orders the extras to disperse and go about their phony-baloney jobs until sevenish. On every Starfleet uniform, there is a stripe of varying color outlining the shoulder region. I looked carefully, and none of the extras has a red stripe. I can’t tell who’s going to die first. If I had to guess, though, I’d pick the one we’ve never seen until this scene. Or was he Ensign Bit Part? As they wander off, T’Pol turns her attention back to the steamy Vulcan romance novel loaded into her data pad. “The day of Slock and T’Ring’s arranged marriage had arrived. As Slock waited at the altar for T’Ring to arrive after her meditation session, he once again analyzed their genetic structures in his thoughts, noting several potential reinforcements of useful genetic traits. Truly, the offspring of this pair-bonding would be at a minor advantage. His parents had chosen wisely.” Hot stuff.
We are treated to a montage of Exploration! Vulcan Groupie Girl scanning for eels in a stream; Trip, Archer, Mayweather, and Porthos walking across a field under two crescent moons; Nameless Male Ensign, the sensitive explorer, sniffing some yellow flowers; T’Pol sitting on a rock. As the captain and friends sit by a babbling brook, T’Pol calls them to find out what has made them fifteen minutes late for rendezvous. “We lost track of time,” he explains, amused by the Vulcan’s insistence on a modicum of discipline while visiting a place with possible unknown dangers. Then, they head back to the boat.
Back at the shuttle, T’Pol asks Archer if she can keep Ensigns Cutler and Navokovich on the planet overnight because they’ve “discovered several nocturnal marsupials” that she wants to study. I don’t know which two ensigns those are, but I’d guess they’re the ones that have had lines in this episode. Archer agrees. “I’m glad to see you’re getting into the spirit of things.” Trip requests that he and Mayweather also be allowed to stay on the planet overnight for no really good reason. “This isn’t shore leave. This is a research mission,” T’Pol points out. I honestly don’t know why she still bothers. Archer undercuts her yet again. “Why can’t it be a little bit of both?” He agrees to let them stay. I tell you, one night Archer’s going to wake up with T’Pol standing over his bed with a phase pistol. Sure, she’ll claim she was possessed by an incorporeal alien at the time, but no one will ever be sure. And, it looks like the ensign I marked for death is getting away unscathed.
That night, sitting around the campfire, Mayweather tells a ghost story while Vulcan Groupie Girl, the entomologist, swats at fireflies she should be studying. T’Pol sits off to the side reading her novel. I think Mayweather’s story was an original series episode plot. And there, on the airlock handle, was a hook! Vulcan Groupie Girl notices that all the fireflies have gone away. That’s just the kind of insightful observation they brought her along for. Suddenly, the wind kicks up and threatens to blow out the campfire. “A front is approaching from the southwest,” T’Pol explains. Thank you, Willard Scott. In response to the gusting winds and lightning, everyone goes into their Gore-Tex tents for a nap. While Trip and Mayweather compete in an “I’ve been in worse storms than this,” contest in one tent, Nameless Male Ensign thinks he hears someone outside the tent he shares with Vulcan Groupie Girl. T’Pol, alone, tries to keep her tent from blowing away.
Suddenly, Trip feels something moving around in his sleeping bag. As T’Pol is in a different tent, neither of the other two alternatives appeals to him. He jumps up and sees a scorpion-like bug in his bag. “Gimme your boot…so I can squash it!” Mayweather responds, “Are we allowed to squash alien life forms?” Stymied by this philosophical and procedural conundrum, Trip decides he wants to get a phase pistol and stun the bug. T’Pol, seeing the commotion in the other tent but unwilling to go outside and get her hair mussed by the wind, calls Trip on her communicator to find out what all the fuss is about. Just then, the wind starts blowing even harder, ripping the tent pegs out of the ground. They decide to evacuate to a nearby cave T’Pol located earlier but never had reason to mention on screen until now.
On board ship, Reed heads to Archer’s quarters to tell him about the windstorm. Reed recommends bringing the survey team off the planet. “I’ve got a shuttle on standby.” Archer contacts T’Pol, who is in the cave with the others. The cave has the traditional perfectly flat floor. She points out, “A landing under these conditions might be difficult.” Everyone agrees that the away team will be safe in the cave until the storm ends, at which point the shuttle can come get them. Archer has the shuttle remain on standby, just in case.
Going through their supplies, the away team realizes they’ve left their food packs back at the campsite. I would have expected them to be blown away by the same wind that drove the people underground, but Mayweather volunteers to go back and get them. Meanwhile, Nameless Male Ensign thinks he hears movement in the back of the cave.
Out in the storm, Mayweather spots an MRE on the ground. He leaps for it just as a gust of wind blows it away. Hey, I was right. He catches it, though, and as he clutches his trophy to his chest, he sees the vague shape of someone moving among the trees. He calls out to the shape, “Hello?” but gets no response.
Mayweather returns to the cave and asks, “Was anybody outside just now?” No one was. Mayweather tells them he saw other people out there. “I think we’ve had enough ghost stories for one night,” Trip admonishes. T’Pol insists that no one else is on the planet, while Mayweather insists he saw three people. T’Pol scans the area with her Palm Pilot. “Other than ourselves, there are no humanoid life forms here.” Nameless Male Ensign, who gets the first name Ethan in this scene, hears the voices in the back of the cave again, and tells the others about it. “Are you going to tell me I’m imagining things, too?” Yes. Yes, I am. Trying to calm Ensign Ethan down, Trip suggests, “They could be friendly.” “Then why are they hiding?” Ethan is too clever for Trip’s head games. He wants to leave the cave. “And where do you propose we go?” asks T’Pol. “Back out into the storm?” Ethan thinks that is a pretty good idea, and runs out of the cave to implement his cunning plan. Trip orders Vulcan Groupie Girl, apparently the only one here he has any authority over, to stay in the cave while he and Mayweather hunt down Ethan, phase pistols in hand. Meanwhile, T’Pol grabs a gun and heads into the back of the cave. “There’s someone back there. I intend to find them.”
While T’Pol scans stalagmites, Mayweather and Trip search the woods for Ethan’s body. I mean Ethan. As they pass a rock outcropping, Trip sees a humanoid form coming out of the stone. He calls to Mayweather, but it’s gone by the time he gets there. “It came right out of the rock like it was a part of it.” “That could explain why they’re not showing up on our scanners.” Uh, it would? If you say so.
Poor Vulcan Groupie Girl is stranded all alone in the cave with only a phase pistol and a 1000-Watt lantern to protect her. She decides to go see what T’Pol is doing.
Trip and Mayweather continue to search. Having set their scanners for, “Find Crazy Crewman,” they almost fall into the infinitely deep, 10-foot wide chasm before spotting it. How is it that T’Pol can stand inside a cave and determine with her scanner that there no humanoids anywhere close to being nearby, but these two can’t find the only guy within walking distance?
Vulcan Groupie Girl sneaks up on T’Pol and sees her having a conversation with two aliens in an alien language. She approaches T’Pol and asks, “Who were you talking to?” T’Pol denies everything. “Talking to? There’s no one here.”
Archer is on the bridge, listening to Trip’s report. “We’ve lost Navokovich, and we’re apparently not alone.” Navokovich! Ethan Navokovich. That means Vulcan Groupie Girl is named Cutler. Twenty minutes into the episode, and finally I know all the characters’ names. Thank goodness. That extra typing was becoming tedious.
Trip and Mayweather return to the cave and tell the others that the captain is coming down in a shuttle to get them away from the dangerous rock-dwelling people. T’Pol once again attempts to use reason. “The rocks are composed of limestone and cormolite, nothing more.” Cutler jumps in to contradict T’Pol. “She’s lying, commander. I saw her talking to them.” It’s a good thing I finally worked out her name. I don’t think Vulcan Groupie Girl applies anymore. Cutler confronts T’Pol. “Why don’t you tell us what they want?”
Archer and Reed are descending through the stormy atmosphere in a shuttle pod. Archer manages to contact Ethan via communicator and orders him back to the cave for pickup. The response is less than satisfactory. “Go to hell!” Mr. Reed, is this thing armed? No? Damn.
In the cave, Trip confronts T’Pol. “I have no reason to deceive you,” she insists. “I can’t explain what you’ve seen, but I assure you I didn’t speak to anyone.” In counterpoint, Trip says, “I’d like to believe you, but you Vulcans don’t exactly have a spotless track record when it come to being honest with us.” Oh, boy. Here it comes. Yet another “Vulcans Bad” speech. This one is mercifully cut short by Archer calling to tell them where to meet the shuttle.
Archer tries to land the shuttle, but there’s “a lot of wind shear near the surface.” He scrapes the right wing against a rock face, damaging some thrusters and causing a coolant leak. Why is the captain flying the shuttle under the very hazardous conditions? Why don’t they have people specifically for that, so the captain or main helmsman doesn’t have to pilot every mission? Reed reminds Archer, “We can’t safely land in this wind with a thruster out.” Archer aborts the rescue, ordering the away team to make do until after the storm. “If you run across any more of these aliens, try to make contact.” Good idea, captain. Give them something to do while they await their deaths.
The survey team retreats to the cave, where Trip quickly summarizes the situation. “We’re stuck down here for God knows how long with a bunch of rock people who, for all we know, are staring at us from these walls right now.” Trip, did you hear what you just said? Maybe you should listen when T’Pol calls you irrational in a few seconds. “You’ve never seen me irrational.” Whatever, man. Just trying to help. Mayweather notices that the water supply is running low. T’Pol says, “I detected water about 60 meters in that direction.” “That direction” being deeper into the cave. Everyone believes she really wants to go talk to her rock-people buddies. She offers to Trip, “Join me if you like.” Now everyone believes she’s trying to lure Trip away to do him. Harm. To do him harm. Trip whips out his phase pistol and tells T’Pol, “Sit down.”
On the Enterprise, Hoshi is trying to get Ensign Ethan, down on the planet, to say anything coherent. All she’s getting is a lot of tortured wailing. Archer orders Reed, down in the transporter room, to bring Ethan aboard. Reed pulls the three sliders to beam Ethan’s red, green, and blue bits aboard, but there’s a problem. “There are contaminants in the matter stream. The phase discriminator can’t seem to isolate the debris.” In short, Ethan materializes with wind-blown leaves and twigs embedded in him. Ew. On the upside, he didn’t explode.
Back in the cave, Trip asks what T’Pol is doing with her data pad/scanner just as she’s getting to the good part about the muscular stable boy and the Vulcan noblewoman enjoying a good romp at the 3-D chessboard. “Slowly, deliberately, his hand moved to his rook. He lifted it, and she could see in his eyes how he considered the many different moves available to him. Suddenly, with unexpected swiftness, he thrust his hand up onto the third tier, placing his rook to pin her queen between it and his king’s knight. She raised her eyebrow in new appreciation of the commoner’s skill. She was two moves from checkmate. It was inevitable. After so many years of growing accustomed to her husband’s playing style, this new challenger was fascinating. T’Ring was unsure if she would ever be satisfied playing with Slock ever again.”
Sorry. Got carried away. T’Pol claims to be studying the scans she’d made of the planet earlier in the day. “There’s nothing of scientific interest on this planet. Our mission here was a waste of time.” Trip, who is slurring his words, does not believe her. He clumsily grabs the doohickey from her, and plans to get Hoshi to translate it from Vulcan to English for him. “This could be evidence…[of] your little conspiracy.” T’Pol tells Trip she has learned something about humans on this mission. “You’re a far more dangerous species than I previously believed.” And don’t you forget it, sister. Trip’s paranoia has evolved to include a secret agreement between the Vulcans and the rock people to kill off the Enterprise crew as a way of getting humanity back under Vulcan’s thumb by proving we aren’t ready to be away from Earth by ourselves yet. T’Pol makes a mental note to bring the idea up at the next High Command meeting. Cutler and Mayweather, meanwhile, are sitting, leaned against a cave wall, nearly unconscious, not contributing much. I mention them in case you were wondering where they went. Trip continues to rant, and T’Pol tries to get him to see reason until she, too, snaps. Trip: “Did you see that?” T’Pol (with feeling): “All I see is a delusional engineer!” Whatever is making the others crazy is also affecting Little Miss Perfect. Mayweather spots a hallucinatory critter running along the cave ceiling, which Trip blasts.
In sickbay, Ethan has had all the debris surgically removed. It only went skin deep. If they’re going to have more transporter accidents in the future, I hope they’re more lasting. Gruesome, even. Dr. Phlox also discovers a hallucinogenic flower pollen in Ethan’s bloodstream, which is what caused the freaky behavior and his current unconsciousness. “He should be all right in three or four hours.” Remember that flower Ethan smelled during the montage? It was actually relevant. Phlox has no idea if the pollen will affect T’Pol more or less than the humans. Archer calls T’Pol and learns that she is being held captive. Trip explains his theory. Archer tells Trip about the pollen. “It causes heightened anxiety, hallucinations….” Trip refuses to believe Archer despite his Starfleet training on, “What to do when the Captain says you’re unhinged.” He does, however, relax for a moment, taking T’Pol out of immediate danger of being deep fat fried. Archer sends Reed to the bridge to work out how much longer the storm will last. Because meteorology is what security and armory officers do.
Planetside, Trip tries to rouse Mayweather from his drugged stupor to help defend against the rock people. Mayweather is so far gone he can’t even speak. Trip continues on his anti-Vulcan rant. T’Pol seems to have reverted to speaking Vulcan. Whether that’s voluntary or not is unclear. Trip tries to reason with the imaginary rock people. “Tell you what. Come out, and we’ll settle this peacefully. Whatever she told you about humans, it’s not true. You can see for yourself. Say something!” He then shoots the nearest rock face, severely undercutting his own credibility. T’Pol spots an unattended phase pistol and awaits her chance to grab it. She gets that chance when Trip decides one of the rock formations is someone called Mr. Velik and starts explaining himself to it. T’Pol reaches the pistol just as Trip notices the action, and the two end up in a Mexican standoff.
After receiving the news that the storm isn’t likely to end for another nine hours, Archer gets called to sickbay for another punch to the gut. Dr. Phlox spouts some mumbo jumbo, the practical upshot of which is that when the pollen breaks down in the blood, it becomes a poison. There is an antidote, but Phlox doesn’t think he caught the problem in time for it to do much good. He’s really very upset about the whole thing. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am, Captain.” I’m finding that in every episode there has been one scene or snippet of dialog that nails who one character or other is and what they’re about. This is that scene. Anyway, Archer asks about the others’ prognoses. “I’ve got four people down on the surface, Doctor. I need to know if they’re going to be dead when we get there in the morning.” Phlox doesn’t have an answer.
Back in the cave, Trip and T’Pol are still mutually threatening. Cutler and Mayweather are effectively out of the picture, but for some reason Trip is not about to pass out like the others. Archer calls, and warns them about the poisonous effects of the pollen. He explains that they are sending down a batch of the antidote via transporter, and that, “it’s imperative that you inoculate yourselves as soon as possible,” to maximize the chance of recovery. Trip, still convinced that T’Pol is up to something, insists, “An injection isn’t going to change a damn thing.” T’Pol, speaking Vulcan, warns Archer that she believes Trip is going to kill her. Hearing that language almost sets Trip off again, until Archer, frankly, bullshits him, “You’ve heard of people suffering from dementia who revert to their native language. She can’t help it.” Considering that Trip isn’t buying the pollen story in the first place, maybe not the best way to go, but at least it’s consistent. Finally, Archer appeals to Trip’s loyalty. “Trust me now. Take the injection. Then we’ll deal with these rock people.” It might have worked, but Trip chooses this moment to dream up two Rock People forming behind T’Pol. “I’m not gonna die with a hypospray in my hand!”
At the transporter, Phlox places the antidote on the pad, and Reed sends it down.
Subtle manipulation having failed, Archer resorts to bald-faced lying. “Starfleet sent us here to make contact with a silicon-based life form. T’Pol was the only person granted clearance to speak with them.” Trip brings up some valid holes in the story, like why anyone besides T’Pol was allowed on the planet in the first place, but Archer patches them pretty well. The only way T’Pol can do what she came for is if Trip is not pointing a gun at her. Also, if she fails, Enterprise will destroy the rock people’s cave before they have a chance to destroy Enterprise. Hoshi then explains to T’Pol, in Vulcan, what they want her to do, cleverly keeping the big surprise from the viewers. Hoshi translates T’Pol’s reply, “Play-acting isn’t exactly a Vulcan tradition, but she’ll do her best.”
On the planet, T’Pol gets her chance to talk to the walls. Vulcan is a nice language to listen to, really, when you don’t know what it’s saying. She says something into the communicator along the lines of, “Was that enough?” As Archer waits for the hammer to fall, he comments to Hoshi, “I hope she knows the difference between stun and kill.” Hmm, maybe next time he ought to wait until after the transmission is ended before making pithy comments.
Here goes nothing. Archer tells Trip, “They’ve agreed to talk to her, Trip. So, lower your weapon and act real friendly.” Hesitantly, he does it, and T’Pol shoots him dead square in the chest. Was it stun or kill? Will we ever know? Did they actually mean for this to be suspenseful?
T’Pol fetches the antidote container from the cave entrance and juices everyone up. Mayweather still has enough strength to resist, so T’Pol gives him a good, old-fashioned Vulcan Nerve Pinch. I guess they do all learn how to do it. Can she mind meld, too? Is there any chance we won’t find out, one way or the other, before the end of the season?
Morning breaks, clear and calm, on the planet. The storm has passed. Trip wakes up to find T’Pol offering him a drink of water. “You didn’t shoot me last night, did ya?” All the humans wonder where the rock people went. “There were no rock people,” T’Pol tells them. “You were all hallucinating.” I told you so. Nanny nanny. Boo boo. T’Pol then explains that her speech to the walls was simply a ruse to get Trip to lower his weapon. “You were growing increasingly illogical and violent. Something about splitting me in two.” Maybe it’s because I’ve had these two pegged for a shipboard romance since their first scene together, but the way she says, “splitting me in two,” sounds like she’s not entirely opposed to the idea under the right circumstances. Innuendo and out the other. Anyway, they bond. Meanwhile, Mayweather has a neck ache from the nerve pinch. I don’t think they know Vulcans can do that. Also, it turns out that Ethan is going to survive after all. The shuttle arrives, and everyone heads toward it to leave this place. From the edge of the woods, the rock people wave goodbye. Not really, but they should have.